Words to my son on his 13th birthday
December 13, 2008

These words were spoken to my son, SR, on his 13th birthday. At church, we have a group of fathers who are meeting with their sons in an effort to be intentional in their training to be future men someday. One of the things that we have been learning is to highlight key events with a special occasion. I sought to highlight his 13th birthday with a meal with this group, followed by these words of exhortation in the presence of all of these men and boys. As my talk with him wasn't recorded and I spoke from scanty notes, these words aren't exact, but they do cover the main points of what I said and give a flavor of my words to him at this important juncture in his life. I wanted to record them for his sake, that there might be no doubt as to the direction that I gave him on that day. Steve Brandon.

I was speaking recently with somebody about you, SR. I told this person that you turned 13 on Saturday (that's today). This person said, "That's a big day for him." I said, "That's right." Today, SR, I have tried to make this day a big one for you. I have gathered some of your friends and their fathers. We have all dressed up for the occasion. (You have even worn a tie for the first time in your life). We have gone out to this restaurant to make this day special.

In the Jewish culture, when a boy (or a girl in more liberal circles) turns 13, they often have a large party. On the scale of those parties, this one is quite small. However, I do hope that it is no less meaningful. I hope that you look back upon this day with joy. I want for this day to be a special day of encouragment for you. May this day help you remember the path of life that you are on. You are growing into being a man.

Paul wrote, "When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, i did away with childish things" (1 Cor. 13:11). Today is a day of transition for you SR. I want for you to focus your attention upon becomeing a man.

The culture of our day exepcts teenagers to be rebellious, self-assertive, in pursuit of unhealthy relationships, engrossed in sinful music and movies and entertainment. As this is their expectation, how do you think that they live? They live exactly according to the expectations of them. I know of one man who enabled his son to live an irresponsible life during his teenage years, saying, "Your high school years should be years of fun, not work. So, go and have fun!" Needless to say, this teenager had his fun and now finds himself without a degree, struggling in the work force.

However, if we expect teenagers to be submissive, responsible, in pursuit of healthy relationships, and putting profitable things in thier mind, then how do you think that they will live? I believe that such teenagers will live submissive, responsible lives. In recent months, our family has been reading together Alex and Brett Harris' book, "Do Hard Things." SR, do you remember the chapter entitled, "The Myth of Adolescence"? In that chapter, they described how the word "teenager" was first used in 1941. Before that time, people were either children or adults. Our society has created this awkward time time in each child's life when they are adults physically, but still expected to act like a child.

SR, my hope for you is that you will seize the opportunity of your early teen years to grow into the man God is calling you to be. As I think about your life and where you are headed, my heart is filled with joy. Your life is on a good trajectory. I see evidences of grace in your life. I see love in you. You easily defer to others. I see God's peace upon your life, as you are often stable in difficult circumstances. I see kindness and gentleness manifested in the way that you deal with your sisters (most of the time).

You have a desire for God. I have seen this desire. I know that you remember the conversation that we had recently, when you said to me, "Dad, I just want to have a zeal for Christ." I am encouraged by your heart to follow Him.

Furthermore, God has gifted you uniquely. You have an artistic skill that surpasses any in our family. You have a musical ability. You have a passion. There are times in your life when you are focused upon one thing. This is a gift from God. As you direct it upon the right things, God will use you in great ways. I am very encouraged by the direction of your life.

Today, on your 13th birthday, I want to give you six exhortations to help you grow up to be a man. Each of these exhortations come from Luke 2:41-52, which is the only glimpse we see of Jesus between His birth and His life at 30 years old. Here is the story (as told in Luke 2:41-52), ...

Now His parents went to Jerusalem every year at the Feast of the Passover. And when He became twelve, they went up there according to the custom of the Feast; and as they were returning, after spending the full number of days, the boy Jesus stayed behind in Jerusalem. But His parents were unaware of it, but supposed Him to be in the caravan, and went a day's journey; and they began looking for Him among their relatives and acquaintances.

When they did not find Him, they returned to Jerusalem looking for Him. Then, after three days they found Him in the temple, sitting in the midst of the teachers, both listening to them and asking them questions. And all who heard Him were amazed at His understanding and His answers. When they saw Him, they were astonished; and His mother said to Him, "Son, why have You treated us this way? Behold, Your father and I have been anxiously looking for You."

nd He said to them, "Why is it that you were looking for Me? Did you not know that I had to be in My Father's house?"

But they did not understand the statement which He had made to them. And He went down with them and came to Nazareth, and He continued in subjection to them; and His mother treasured all these things in her heart. And Jesus kept increasing in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and men.

1. Pursue godliness (verse 49).

In verse 49, we read the only words that we have from Jesus from his birth until he was 30 years old. He told his parents, who were looking for him, "Did you not know that I had to be in My Father's house?" Jesus was pursuing a relationship with His heavenly Father.

Likewise, SR, today, I am encouraging you to be pursuing your heavenly Father. Now, your life is different than the life of Jesus. You aren't perfect. So, your pursuit of your heavenly Father needs to be a bit different than the way in which Jesus pursued Him. You know that you can't simply come to God on your own. You know that you need to come to Him through Jesus, who died for you. And so, in the pursuit of godliness, know the gospel well, for this is the key to your pursuit of God, which will result in godliness.

Also, just as Jesus surprised His parents, by being in the temple, asking questions of the teachers, so also would I encourage you to surprise your mother and father. In the future, I would love to be looking for you sometime, not quite sure where you are, only to find you engaged in some profitable activity (i.e. reading your Bible, serving your sister, helping around the house, ...). At that moment, I would love to hear you say to me, "Dad, did you not know that I had to be about my Father's business?"

This will happen as you pursue God on your own. It will be for your great benefit.

2. Continue in subjection to mom and dad (verse 51).

After His parents found Jesus, the narrative reads, "and He continued in subjection to them (i.e. his parents)" (verse 51). SR, I am encouraging you this day to continue in your submission to mom and me. As you turn 13 years old, this doesn't mean that you are no longer under our authority.

You know that one of the things we have constantly taught you and all of our children is that obedience to mom and dad will make you "happy and safe." This is what Paul was getting at when he wrote, "Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and mother (which is the first commandment with a promise), so that it may be well with you, and that you may live long on the earth" (Ephesians 6:1-3).

It will be well with you as you obey and honor your parents. If you disobey and dishonor your parents, you will find yourself in a place of danger, and eventually unhappiness. There may be times when it will look like you will be more happy if you disobey us. But, any happiness will only be short lived. God has given us to you for your sake. We are God's appointed means to keep you safe and happy. When you find yourself outside the circle of obedience, we will discipline you and correct you in an effort to bring you back to safety. As a child, you have known this discipline. You have known correction.

As you have grown older, you have needed less and less discipline and correction. We hope someday that we can relinquish this entirely, as you honor and obey from the heart. It is for your well being.

3. Increase in wisdom (verse 52).

We read in Luke 2:52, "And Jesus kept increasing in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and man." Even Jesus was known for increasing in wisdom during His life. His time in the temple demonstrated how He did this. He had a hunger for the truth. So also, would I encourage you this day to have a hunger for the truth.

In Proverbs 4, we read of Solomon's advice to his son, ...

When I was a son to my father,
Tender and the only son in the sight of my mother,
Then he taught me and said to me,
"Let your heart hold fast my words;
Keep my commandments and live;
Acquire wisdom! Acquire understanding!
Do not forget nor turn away from the words of my mouth.
Do not forsake her, and she will guard you;
Love her and she will watch over you.
The beginning of wisdom is: Acquire wisdom;
And with all your acquiring, get understanding.
Prize her, and she will exalt you;
She will honor you if you embrace her.
She will place on your head a garland of grace;
She will present you with a crown of beauty." (Proberbs 4:3-9).

In these words, we see Solomon thinking back upon the time when his father was working actively to impart wisdom to him. He remembers hearing of all of the benefits of wisdom. Wisdom will bring you life. It will guard you and watch over you. It will exalt you and honor you. It will make you attractive and beautiful. It's no wonder that when God appeared to Solomon saying, "Ask what you wish Me to give you" that Solomon asked for wisdom (1 Kings 3:5-14). He had learned his lesson well.

SR, my advice to you this day is to learn this lesson well. Acquire wisdom. And how does wisdom come? By pursuing it and acquiring it and loving it and prizing it. SR, I want for you to prize wisdom, that you might receive all of the benefits in it. Just as David was active in teaching his son, Solomon, so too do I pledge to help you in this process. I want to be actively helping you grow in the wisdom that you will need to be a wise man someday. We have started a group of fathers and sons to help keep me on track of imparting to you all the wisdom that I can pass on to you. I pledge to you to have a pattern of spending dedicated, devoted time to you each week to teach you in the ways of wisdom as you grow to be a man.

4. Increase in stature (verse 52).

Again, in Luke 2:52, we read of how Jesus kept increasing in stature. It's soon to be Christmas when we think of Jesus coming to us a as a baby. But that baby had to grow up to be a man. It means that he increased in size, just as you have been doing in recent days. Many have noticed how you are growing physically and changing. I've had many parents tell me, "Wow! SR is really growing." So, with this point, you don't have to do much, exept keep eating and you will grow.

However, as you grow, I want for you to know that your body will begin to have new desires. Some will be good and somw will be bad. You will be growing stronger and stronger. Your cousin was recently at our home and did nearly 20 chinups on our chinup bar! If you work at it, you will be able to do close to this as well. The changes in your body will also make you more aggressive. Use your aggressions for good causes. Endure the cold. Open the doors, be protective of your sister.

But, please know that your body will create some desires that can easily lead you into sin as well. Your increasing strength can turn into aggresion for the bad. You can harm others. You can bring harm upon yourself in your youthful folly. So, use your increase in stature for good and not for evil.

Finally, as puberty continues its work in you, you will have stronger sexual desires. You will have desires for girls. Know that these desires can ruin your life. Much of Proverbs 1-9 is devoted to the danger of women in the life of young men. I trust that we will go through this together with our group at some point. Your sexual desires are to be focused toward only one woman in this life (your future wife).

5. Increase in favor with God (verse 52).

It is an amazing thing that the Bible says that Jesus "increased in favor with God," but it does (verse 52). Now, certainly, this cannot mean that Jesus at one time wasn't in favor with His heavenly Father. But, as Jesus continued along the path of perfect obedience and perfect righteousness, surely there was an increasing satisfaction in God in the life of His son, so that by the time of His baptism, He was able to say, "This is my beloved Son, in whom I am well-pleased" (Matthew 3:17).

Now, again, SR, this verse is difficult to apply to you directly. However, you can increase in favor with God as well (perhaps not quite in the same way that Jesus did). But, as you contineu in the path of obedience and righteousness, God's favor will come upon you. As you walk in this manner, you will know the blessing of God upon your life. SR, make it your goal in life to have God's smile upon you. This will bring more blessing to you than anything that this world has to offer.

How can you do this? Trust more and more everyday in the sanctifying power of the cross of Christ. As you do this, "walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which you have been called" (Eph. 4:1). Then, God's smile will be upon you.

6. Increase in favor with man (verse 52).

Again, we read that Jesus "increased in favor with man." You can boil this down to one word: resposibility. Those who are responsible are those who have favor in the eyes of other people. So, SR, I encourage you to increase in your responsibility. Know what you should do. Do it without being told. When you have been assigned a task around the house, do it. Do you homework without needing a reminder.

The one who isn't responsible loses respect in the sight of other people. You know the proverb that says, "Like vinegar to the teeth and smoke to the eyes, so is the lazy one to those who send him" (Proverbs 10:26). Picture smoke in your eyes. It doesn't cause perminent damage, but it causes irritation. As you fail in your responsibility you will be an agitation to others.

"Even a child is know by his conduct, by whether his conduct is pure and right" (Proverbs 20:11). Even a child can be known for wise, responsible, respectable behavior. So, SR, don't wait a few years until you really exhert yourself in these areas. Begin today!

After several other men spoke at this occasion, including my father, SR's grandfather, I presented SR with a framed calligraphy wall hanging that said, "To Know Christ and make Him known." I challenged SR to make this his life goal. I challenged him to sift everything that he does through this grid, "Will this action help me to know Christ or will it help me to make Him known?" This beautiful calligraphy (done by my wife) is currently hanging in his room. I hope that it is something that he keeps forever posted in his room (or house someday) as a remembrance of this day and his goal in life.